Wednesday, June 22, 2011

My Gluttony Knows No Bounds

Let me start this post with a thanks for all of the lovely comments on my last post.

And also, a sweet sorrowful apology for not posting lately and not being caught up on reading your blogs.

You guys really are too kind.

Completely forgot to mention on Sunday that it was the TWO MONTH ANNIVERSARY of être svelte.

While Sunday was a day of good, these past couple of days have been very, very bad.

Or, more accurately, I have been very, very bad.

Tsk tsk tsk!

I've been on my new medications for a while now, and at my last appointment with my psychiatrist we discussed reducing the dosage of my Abilify because it's causing, er, uh, 'problems' in the bedroom.

Yesterday I decided to just stop taking it.

The boyfriend discussed with his dad, who is a psychiatrist, and he doesn't think that the dosage that I'm on is even high enough to be doing anything helpful and so all I'm getting from the Abilify is shitty side effects.

Not even my balloon of depression can lift my spirits about how shitty Abilify is.
Not only did I decide to stop taking Abilify yesterday, but I also just said fuck it and didn't take any of my meds.

I like to have the occasional med-free day so that I know that I still exist.

So that I can see what I'm like when I'm not heavily medicated and sedated and can't think straight and zombified.

What I forget sometimes is when I'm not medicated I basically have binge eating disorder.

I will fucking eat.

And eat.

And eat.

And eat.

Until I make myself sick.

Until the smell of food makes me nauseous.

But I don't ever purge.

My progression throughout the day.
It's the main reason why I take my daily dose of amphetamines every day - whether I'm on Adderall or Vyvanse, currently it's Vyvanse.

If I don't, then I literally cannot find the self-control to stop from eating myself to death.

On amphetamines, I simply don't care about food.

It doesn't interest me.

I have no appetite.

It's a rather remarkable night and day shift.

Normally, this is something that I would post on my food blog.

But considering I could have should have won eating contests with the amount I've consumed in the last two days, it's main blog material.

Yesterday I Ate

Grilled Shrimp mixed in with Pre-Made Khana Indian Food pouch

Popcorn Shrimp (shrimp in Shake-n-Bake - Shaked, then baked.)

         Approximately 22 shrimp in total.

Skinny Cow Caramel Truffle Ice Cream Bar

Toasted Coconut Jet-Puffed Marshmallows

Fit and Active Chocolate Peanut Butter Protein Bar

         At this point I literally started eating Hot Mustard sauce from the Popcorn Shrimp by itself....

Grilled Chicken Honey-Mustard Snack Wrap from McDonald's

Angus Deluxe Snack Wrap from McDonald's

        About a fucking goddamned gallon of Diet Coke.

And then the boyfriend wanted dinner.

Yes, ladies, I was not done with my eating just yet.

The night was barely upon us, and I was playing The Sims 3.

As I watched the Sim version of myself run on the treadmill and, gasp, leave the house and be productive, I decided to make pancakes for dinner.

As you may know, or may not, I've recently sold most of my things because the boyfriend and I are moving rather soon now.

Among the things that were sold, my pots and pans, plates, cups, silverware, bakeware - pretty much everything kitchen-related except for my counter-top appliances.

This leaves me with a dilemma every time I need to cook.

The boyfriend and I have pretty much mastered using aluminum foil stretched on the oven racks for cookie sheets and we recently learned to boil water and cook things in my electric fondue pot.

The most versatile kitchen appliance award, however, must go to my beautiful George Foreman Grill.

She's a beaut'.
Not only do I make the regular - turkey burgers, hot dogs, fish fillets - but I've also ventured out to shrimp, tofu, and....


Yes. You can make pancakes on a George Foreman Grill.

I only know this because of the creativity forged from the steel of my binging desperation.

Basically, if you have a large George Foreman Grill with interchangeable - read: removable - plates, you can turn the bottom plate upside down so that it contains what is on the grill, rather than filtering bad things into the drip-catcher below.

You also have to make the grill sit parallel to the counter so that the batter doesn't pool to one end.

I propped mine up with tuna cans and it was just slightly uneven.

With one recipe of waffle batter - I used waffle batter because I was expecting the grill to yield waffle-like results - you make two grill-sized giant pancakes.

If the grill is slightly uneven, like mine was, then the pancakes will fit together like a puzzle if you stack them correctly and will yield a GIANT CAKE.

I'm a horrible person and thought this made my George Foreman pancakes even better.

The boyfriend found a tub of Marshmallow Creme and decided that would be the perfect glue to bind our cakes together.

The assembled cake was a monstrosity of sugar, marshmallow creme, (thankfully sugar-free) pancake syrup, and walnuts.

Note the tell-tale grill lines imprinted into the shape of the cakes.
So I ate about half of this.

Then, to combat the sugar, I needed salt.

Call in a Hot Pocket and a slice of pizza.

Finally, the binge ended.

Until today.

I planned on starting the Skinny Girl Diet today.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

Instead, I woke up at 6 am and cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom so that my landlord could show the apartment to a potential tenant at 10 am.

Instead of being at home for the awkwardness, the boyfriend and I decided to get breakfast and rent video games.

Today I Ate

Wendy's Artisan Egg Sandwich

Wendy's Homestyle Potatoes with Ketchup

Small Orange Juice

Skinny Cow Caramel Truffle Ice Cream Bar

Cheesy Southwest Rice, Black Beans, Corn, and Red Bell Peppers

4 Cups of Whole Wheat Rotini

        1/4th cup Onion and Garlic Pasta Sauce
        4 tablespoons Smart Balance 50/50 Butter Blend
        1/4th cup Shredded Cheese

Finally, I gave in and took my Vyvanse.

Haven't eaten since.

Tomorrow, I'm saying hello to the Skinny Girl Diet and I'm taking my medication in the morning so that it will (hopefully) curb some of my ridiculous eating habits from the start.

At least we got Just Dance 2 for the Wii so I, kind of, have been moving around....

God I'm the worst at rationalizing my bad behavior.....

Well, depending on your perspective, I'm the best. ;)

I don't even want to know how many calories I've consumed in the past two days.

And I'm too embarrassed to admit what the scale said today.

Here's to tomorrow being a better day!

A bientôt, lovelies.



  1. Do not worry too much about it.
    We all have bad days, we all slip up.
    It is bound to happen.
    Do not beat yourself up over it, because then your motivation to get back up will be nonexistent.
    Use the new day as your springboard, make it amazingly good so that you set the bar high for all the days to come after it.
    You can do this!
    I believe in you. :)
    I hope you have a great day today; you deserve it!
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  2. Don't beat yourself up over your binge! It happens to the best of us. I've eaten that much food+more on a binge before... at least you've gotten your cravings out of the way & can start fresh tomorrow:)

    Btw, nice job on the pancakes though..that's pretty talented lol
    Good luck on the SGD, I thought about doing that soon!

  3. darling today I had pizza and ice cream for breakfast. we are going to stop all this madness and have salads, juices, and coffee. yepyep?


  4. Don't worry, I've spent the past 5 days drinking enough calories to feed a sumo wrestler so you shouldn't feel too bad :) Here's to more exercise and better eating habits! xx

  5. I'm right there with you. But, one cannot drive well while looking in the rear-view mirror, so here's to moving forward!