The most dangerous of dangers attacked my nether regions in July.
No, not lit up genitalia.
And not STDs.
This was purely self-inflicted, though I suppose you could argue that STDs are at least partially self-inflicted.
In preparation for the move to Florida, I was dieting (until my gramma stepped in to thwart my efforts) and starting to work out and trying to keep a golden tan so that I could pass off as being Cuban and blend in to my new environment.
Obviously, the next logical step in preparing for Florida was to get a Brazilian wax.
I got a Groupon for 50% off a Brazilian wax and was super excited to be thrifty and smooth.
I diligently grew out my nethers for a week and a half in preparation for the big day.
I had done my homework.
I had read forum after forum for advice on getting your first Brazilian wax.
I knew what I was in for.
Complete wax from front to... bottom.
I got my eyebrows and lip waxed earlier in the day in order to fully prepare myself for the full-scale attack about to occur on the Southern Front.
Let me just say this, you may get your eyebrows and lip waxed every month like I do. It is not even close to the same thing.
You are not prepared.
Nothing can prepare you for the horror behind the aesthetician's door.
Whenever you're in a situation where you're exposing your genitals to another female for the first time, who also happens to be a complete stranger, and that's not the worst part, you know you're in trouble.
I arrive at the salon, am escorted into a private room, am told to remove my lower clothing and cover up with a little washcloth, and wait.
The aesthetician knock knock knocks on the door and comes in.
Removes my washcloth and looks my pubes over.
Hmmmm. They're kind of small. You might want to grow them out for another week before getting the wax done.
Uhhh. I'm moving in three days to Florida...
Oh, okay. Well we can go ahead and do it. It will be fine. I'll just have to tweeze more because the smallest hairs won't get picked up. Is that alright?
Tweeze.... My lady regions?!
Uh, yeah, sure. That's fine.
Okay, just let me know if it hurts too much. So have you ever had this done before? You do know that it's complete. From the front to the top of the back. Right?
Yeah, I know.
Okay, do you want to get the complete Brazilian done? Or just the front?
The whole Brazilian....
She spreads the wax on and blathers on about why I'm moving to Florida, what the apartment is like, how my family likes the boyfriend, on and on trying to distract me from the torture she's about to inflict upon my lady bits.
So your family *puts on muslin strip* really likes him? That's *RIPPPP* nice.
I'm *tears begin welling up* fiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
So what are *applies more wax* you going to be doing in Florida? *puts on muslin strip* School? *RIPPPP* Work?
Uh, I'm, going to be.... *pants* I'm going to be taking classes online.
Oh, that's nice. *applies hard wax to the actual nether regions* Well, I bet you'll really like Florida. It's going to be really fun living in Miami!
Yeah, I'm really excited. The apartment complex has... *RIPPPP*
JESUS. TWO POOLS.
The complex has.... two pools.
*on the verge of tears spilling out*
Oh dear. It looks like the hairs are too short down there. Do you still want to do the other side? It's only getting about half the hair. I'm going to have to tweeze it a lot.
No, we'll... We'll not do the other side. I guess just tweeze what you've done.
YEAH, WE'RE DONE.
Return to car with the boyfriend. Immediately burst into tears.
What's wrong?! Did something happen?!
I- I- I- couldn't finish it. *sobs* The hair wasn't long enough. *gulps* It only got half the hair. *sobs* We had to stop in the middle of it.
Oh, honey. I was afraid of that happening. It can't be that bad.
CAN'T BE THAT BAD?! SHE RUINED MY VAGINA. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT SEXY. SHE MUTILATED IT WITH HER EVIL WAX. HALF HAIR, HALF BALD AND RED. IT'S LIKE SOME HORRIBLE TWO-FACED VAGINA OF DEATH.
Oh, and the worst was yet to come.
You know those little bumps you get sometimes after shaving your nethers?
Imagine a field of little pimply, pus-filled bumps spanning your entire bikini area.
And they hurt.
The whole area hurts.
You finally arrive home after the hour drive to return and immediately go to your room to remove your clothes and inspect the painful area.
I CAN'T GET MY PANTIES OFF. THERE'S STILL SOME WAX. I'M TRAPPPPPED!!!!!! OMIGOD!
I ended up just ripping them off like a band-aid, effectively waxing myself all over again.
In order to get rid of the bumps, I had to exfoliate.
Exfoliate my genitals.
In the most tender and painful state they've ever been in.
And the bumps would return.
I finally wised up and bought some BikiniZone after waxing/shaving gel.
It was the only thing that provided relief and got rid of the devil rash.
So, for now, I'm back to shaving.
I may attempt getting a Brazilian at another time. I'll definitely bring the boyfriend into the room with me. I have a feeling the pain is worse than labor, and I think he should be there for me to squeeze his hand and scream at about the pain.
The boyfriend is afraid I won't be able to get a tattoo because my tolerance for pain is so little....
I sincerely hope he's wrong.
We shall see.
A bientôt, lovelies.