Saturday, May 21, 2011

Drunkorexia! now with laxative abuse fun!

I apologize in advance for the fairly low-quality pics in this post. I was drunk for most of the night and didn't find my camera until the latter part of the evening, so most of these were taken off my phone. Facepalm.

Yesterday started out as a normal day. Waking up late, going to class, eating fast food, getting extremely depressed because the pharmacy failed to refill my prescriptions on time.
mood: apathetic.

I resigned to laying on the bed all evening, a slug in woman's clothing. The boyfriend left for a while - came back prepared to do battle, a bottle of Smirnoff in tow.

Peridot, you said you wanted some authentic Rusky recipes - check out my food blog for an awesome Vodka and self-pity based recipe of tragedy. ;) I'll post some real recipes for you sometime as well, I promise. 

After getting thoroughly drunk, I do what I always do. DRUNK BAKING.

My Drunk Kitchen Ep. 4: Not Easy, Bake Oven
Check out the whole series, hilariousness. 

That was pretty much me all night. Except that I was making cupcakes instead of "cookies".

They started out as a fairly simple endeavor.

Prepared mix in non-threatening packaging.

Looks can be deceiving.
The mix was easy to put together. Just milk and oil and me guesstimating how much egg substitute equals one egg. Even in my inebriated state, I managed.

I added in some Cinnamon because, seriously, who doesn't love adding cinnamon to everything dessert-y? It's the garlic of sweets.

While the hand-held calorie bombs were baking, I sat with the boyfriend as he voice-chatted with his internet friends.

Note to self: You are not funny, or cute, or adorable when you are drunkenly rambling on about how Tekken is a much better game than Street Fighter and creepily insinuating blatantly asserting that your boyfriend has a man-crush on his 16-year-old friend from WoW. Let's start learning grace and poise. At the very least, dignity.

When the cupcakes were done baking - surprisingly I didn't burn the house down with my drunken baking endeavors - I learned that I had apparently used magic, giant cupcake batter. The suckers are ridiculously huge.

Finally, it was time for the frosting. I, of course, neglected to read the ingredients list or directions past the first sentence when I started these bad boys. I come to find, after both the boyfriend and I are thoroughly drunk and far past driving, that the frosting needs cream cheese.

I don't have cream cheese.

Even if I did, it would be Garden Vegetable or Onion and Chive.

My drunken logic:

The boyfriend, butter is pretty similar to cream cheese, right?

Uh, I guess.

What if I mixed it with Greek yogurt? Would that make it more cream cheesy?


I'm glad someone here is the voice of reason. Even when I'm mind-blowingly plastered, I still fawn and obsess over Greek yogurt. Sighhh.

I still went with the butter for the frosting. What's a cream cheese-less drunk girl to do? The frosting ended up tasting incredible - not to brag or anything.... but it was totally the almond extract I added - despite being made entirely of butter. Did I just say despite? I meant because of

I call it "the 'ole Paula Deen treatment": that which can be made of butter, shall be made of butter.

The finished products are... in a word... intimidating.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's already missing. Don't judge.
Something about butter instead of cream cheese made the frosting a weird, almost chunky consistency. And they were already monstrously large to begin with. We'll just ignore my drunk frosting skills for now... At least they taste good, even though I want to kill myself for how high calorie they are.

Now that I'm not drunk, I can't excuse my rampant cupcake-eating behavior. 



Not only did I gorge on cupcakes and booze last night, but I also made the mistake of taking a laxative before the festivities begun.

I woke up on the couch this morning, long story, and was fairly confused about where I was, who I was, and what was going on. As the sun continued assaulting my eyes, I finally got up and turned to the refuge of my bedroom - where my double thick curtains block out every bit of natural light. I'm a mole person.

Self Portrait.
I've spent the entire day alternating between avoiding all forms of light and the migraines that inevitably go with them, and laying in the fetal position complaining over the horrific stomach cramps from the Dulcolax. Why I do this to myself? It's anyone's guess. I'm pretty sure this could be classified as a form of self-masochism.

Stomach cramp. Audible lower intestine gurgling. General death.

Nope, I'm positive. This is self-inflicted torture.

A bientôt, lovelies.



  1. Bahahah! I'm laid up with a nasty sinus infection and came on only to read your blog and darlin I'm not disappointed! I'm mad at you because you made me laugh and that turned into a 15 minute hacking fit resulting in piles of goo that I'm guessing are parts of my lungs, nose, and throat spewed all over myself. Mmmm how's that for a cupcake compliment ;) seriously though you're the best inebriated greek yogurt loving butter incorporating baker out there <3

  2. Thank you again for another interesting blog post. :)

    I admit, I did a lot of laughing, and I can't say you'll ever let me down with your unintentional humor. The cup cakes look disgusting, so I'll take your word for the fact that they were delicious. Haha. You're making me want to get drunk off my ass and bake something delicious. :P

  3. First-you are the most adorable thing since the discovery of the sneesing baby panda video. Seriously. Freaking adorable.

    Second-oh god, you don't have to say more than ducolax. That shit (no pun intended) is horrific.

  4. OMG...CUPCAKES!!! MURDER ME!!! 3 cheers for drunken baking! Those look so GOOD!!!

    I must agree with you about the cinnamon, I put it on everything! Thanks for the link! I only eat Greek yoghurt. I just don't eat much else after it. Helps keep the clorie count on the low!

    I'm glad you ate cupcakes to soak up some of the booze. Voddie hangovers are the worst! You're probably one of the lucky ones who doesn't feel it, though.

    I'm in serious trouble. My beloved house mate has requested a pumpkin pie for his birthday on the 29th. I hope I don't binge. Wish me luck.

    Hope you have a great Sunday, Babe! <3. XXX.

  5. FUCK internet ate my comment! D:

    You've managed to make a horrendous situation endlessly entertaining. I nearly but a gut laughing!

    I vote that I find a way to your locale with an Edmonds Cookbook, we obtain more of that vodka and attempt some Epic International Drunken Baking! Pavlova anyone? :3

    *Sigh* No rapture means I had to do housework. NOT COOL Jesus! D:

    I hope you have a great rest of the day. Just stay away from the butter, ok?

  6. your blog is hilarious!! absolutely love it. I can totally related with the whole drunk cooking endeavors situation. even if everything does look terrible once it's done it's always so much more delicious haha

  7. Oh my god, funniest video ever. I so am watching the rest of them.