Thursday, December 1, 2011

No More Breakfast of Champions


It's been a while.

More than a while.

But I got the job!

So I'm working full time now, in addition to the housekeeping and babysitting gigs.

And school.

So I've been even more busy than usual.


But, surprisingly enough, that is not the biggest news as of late.

I've been having random, annoying medical issues for the past few months.

Overheating, stomach pains, and nausea at night before bed.

Stomach pains and nausea after eating.

Random bowel issues I won't go into.

So I finally saw a doctor and the consensus is......

Drumrollllllll, pleaseeeee.....

Well there isn't one.

He's doing a metric ass ton of blood tests to check me for a myriad of problems.

I feel like I'm on a twisted game show.

Throwing darts on a spinning wheel to see what terrible diagnosis I'll get.



Or possibly GALLSTONES!

But the stomach issues, at least, are most likely caused by CELIAC DISEASE!

Fuck yeah, gluten intolerance!

The one thing on the list that there aren't accurate tests for, just my luck.

The only real way to find out - short of slicing out a piece of my small intestine and doing a biopsy, which even then isn't totally accurate because it only tests for inflammation without regards to the cause - is to put me on a totally gluten-free diet for at least four weeks and see if my symptoms clear up.

No magic pills here.

Just shitty tasting rice bread and bland food from vegetarian restaurants.

Don't get me wrong, I like health foods.

I love shopping at Whole Foods, I'm a proud soy milk drinker, and vegan/vegetarian restaurants are right up my alley.


My diet for the past two days has been miserable meal after meal of blandness.

It's also been incredibly healthy.

Considering I can't suck down carbs like the out of control glutton that I am, I've been eating much more fruits and vegetables.

Salads even!

Though, salads are tricky.

Half of our damn salad dressings contained gluten, so I had to carefully go through the ingredient lists on each one and label the safe dressings.

Thank you maltodextrin, dextrin, and modified food starch.

You make life easy, donchya!

This is going to be a long and tedious four weeks, not to mention expensive.

I spent $5 on a loaf of gluten-free bread, the cheapest one they had at Whole Foods, only to come home and make a sandwich and realize that they were passing off compressed sawdust for bread.

Worst. Sandwich. Ever.

I've even tried dining at vegan restaurants around my office for lunch, only to find out that all of their gluten-free options are a fucking joke.

Java's Famous Quinoa Salad, my ass.

Sounds great on the menu, but once you're sitting in front of probably a pound of quinoa with sparse bits of tomato, avacado, and feta, you realize that, not only will you never in a million years be able to eat that much grain, but that when they say Quinoa Salad they just mean Quinoa.

Even the basalmic-esque dressing it came with couldn't make it palatable enough for me to finish.

Or enjoy.

So I tried the other vegan/health food restaurant around the corner - yeah, it's a good area to work if you don't eat meat - and I tried their gluten-free salmon patty.

I'm beginning to notice a trend in these gluten-free foods.

It's called, "Well we know this one ingredient is gluten-free, so let's make a dish with exclusively that and slap the word 'patty' or 'salad' on the end to make people think there's more to it."

I'm a salmon patty kind of person.

I'm not a salmon shaped in a patty kind of person.

I would like some veganaise, celery, carrots, and pickle relish, thank you very much.

It should not taste like I'm biting into the side of a fish.

The only reprieve I've found in the world of gluten-free substitutions for normal food is this:


It tastes like actual pizza!

And it avoids that ever-present conundrum of all gluten-free prepared foods also being vegan or vegetarian.

I like eating veggie, yes, but sometimes you just really crave some chicken or cheese.

Or, in my case, chicken and cheese.

And barbecue sauce.

On a pizza.

I was afraid that this, too, would be a disappointment, and maybe it's been the restrictive diet the past couple of days, but this pizza was amazing.

It was like it was telling me that the Celiac world isn't all bad and that there are some glimmering food masterpieces to be found.

Now it's just a waiting game.

Waiting on this four weeks to be over to see if there's any change.

Waiting for the test results to come back to see if there's anything else wrong with me.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

A bientôt, lovelies.



  1. Good to hear from you again! I'd been wondering about your doings. I'm glad you've got that job to give you some structure (or maybe it's just me that craves structure), but I'm sorry to hear about the Celiac disease! I understand completely, as I'm allergic to corn. No maltodextrin, dextrose, modified food starch, xanthan gum, xylitol, caramel color, and a myriad of other sneak attack corn ingredients. I'd say, in your case, beans and lentils could be your best friends. They've got substance and flavor, and there's no real way to make them sound like anything but what they are. Anyway, whatever this sickness may be (hopefully not celiac, but something treatable that allows you to eat delicious food), I hope things clear up for you soon. Hang in there these four weeks, I'll be thinking of you! xx

  2. It sucks doesn't it when doctors don't know what's up with you? I hope they find out soon and that it isn't coeliac disease (UK spelling). That pizza looks delicious though! I got the mascara btw, about 10 days ago- it's awesome and I was never a fan of the original Great Lash :) xx

  3. Hey, that's awesome about getting a job! Money and jobs are do important nowadays. That's suck that the docs aren't able to find out what's wrong with you- I hope they're able to figure it out soon! The good news is, such a healthy, bland diet is bound to lead to weight loss! I've been trying to do vegan for about a week now because it's healthy when done right, but with my foods- it seems dairy is EVERYWHERE and there's no avoiding it! Speaking of bread, have you tried Ezekiel bread at the health food stores? I believe it's gluten free and really good too1

  4. Gluten sensitivity sucks balls and eating out gluten free is just a joke! People have no creativity or flair and keep everything so bland to be on the safe side. Oh, bollocks! Get a clue!

    I'm a big fan of millet as a couscous substitute. It's gluten free and protein rich and it tastes just like couscous! I also love rice noodles and maize (corn) pasta. As for gluten free bread, I couldn't agree more. UGH!!! Just nasty!

    All the best for the tests. I hope it's nothing serious. Thinking of you. :)

  5. You pay for taste, unfortunately, but you always have the option of Udi's:

  6. Hmmm I kind of hope the symptoms don't go away with the gluten-free diet, for the sake of your taste buds! At least then you'd be able to eat normal bread again while they poke and prod you to find another diagnosis.
    Hope you feel better, and that the docs figure out what's wrong. <3


  7. I hope you get a diagnosis soon!
    I have friends that have Celiac; totally no fun.
    Are things going well otherwise?
    Miss you!
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  8. I've got Celiacs too, and I really don't think it's that bad at all! You get used to it. The hardest part is that people will keep offering you food you can't eat. @_@ Makes it easy to say no to junk food though!

    (Not sure if you know this, but you can test for celiacs with a simple blood test. However, you have to actually be eating gluten at the time in order for the test to show up.)

    If you need any food suggestions, let me know!

  9. Hey lady, you haven't posted in FOREVER!! How are things?