i want a fanny pack

The other day, as I was on my way to class, I found myself face-to-face, or rather, face-to-back, with a man in saggy purple shorts and a prominently placed fanny pack. Something about this man, with his poor fashion sense and blatant disregard for the fact that it is, indeed, 2011 and not 1999, struck a chord with me. I immediately Facebooked the incidence then forgot about this unfortunate man with his ill-fitting purple shorts and gaudy 90's man-purse. That is, of course, until I started wanting a fanny pack myself. I laid in bed, thinking about the exercise routine I have yet to put into effect (and, knowing myself, will probably never put into effect), and began evaluating my excuses for why I haven't done certain exercises - jogging being one of these.

Jogging
1. I hate running in Soffee shorts because they ride up
2. I'd have to wake up super early to have time for jogging and getting ready for class
3. I'd have to hold onto my keys, cell phone, and iPod the entire time I jogged

 I can make excuses for anything, but considering the weight that's crept up on me over my freshman year of college, I've decided to take a "deal with it" approach to exercise. So I suppose I can wear my uglier gym shorts or deal with my Soffees riding up. If I want to lose any weight, I'm going to have to make some sacrifices, and certainly I can deal with waking up an hour or so earlier in the name of fitting into my cute clothes. Honestly, though, #3 on my list had me stumped. Even if I were to buy an iPod arm sleeve whatsit, there's still the problem of where to put my keys and cell phone. I'm a constant and irrational worrier, and the thought of jogging alone, early in the morning, without my cell phone leaves me with only one conclusion: I will obviously be mugged, raped, or attacked and have no way of calling anyone for help and will be left there scared and alone until I die. This, of course, going against the fact that I live in a small town and would be jogging on a walking route that many joggers, walkers, and bikers use daily. As I said, constant and irrational worrier. Then it hit me, a fanny pack could be an amazing all-in-one that could house my cell phone, keys, and iPod without having the unnecessary bulkiness of a backpack and would leave me completely hands-free. Though, that, in and of itself, is not justification enough for me to wear a fanny pack. But Madonna certainly is:

It's not just Madonna. Other celebs are wearing fanny packs in public, because, apparently, they're back.

Seriously, if Madonna is wearing fanny packs in public, there must be some sort of market for them. I searched far and wide and was sorely disappointed by the ugly, black, 3 zippered pouched monstrosities I found. Has no one thought to revamp the fanny pack since 1996? So I checked the only place I could legitimately justify having cute fanny packs, American Apparel. I was not disappointed. Gold Lamé! Amethyst Nylon! Medium Evergreen Vinyl! Only American Apparel can make the 90s seem fashionably vintage. And thank god for that. I thoroughly plan on spending $17 on a smoke/black lamé fanny pack, or, as they refer to them, 'hip bags'.

Hey, if fanny packs have lasted this long, I'll go ahead and call it an investment piece.