I've crept back...

I'm beginning to hate my job, mostly because it's making me hate myself.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not smart enough.

More than that - I'm brilliant. I'm skilled. I'm talented.

But I'm lazy.

I'm overworked.

I start missing common errors and clients notice and react like

I have this one client in particular who is on a quest to be the douche-iest douche bag of them all.

His company sends  me art briefs on a daily basis.

"Make this! Make that! Whoops, we forgot some business cards we need made. Oh yeah! And this rush job that has to be done tomorrow morning!"

-- It's... 5:30 p.m....

BUT WE'RE ON PACIFIC TIME!!!

So I get to work an hour early every day.

Leave 15 minutes late every afternoon.

Finish what work I can from home at night.

Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

The other day, the big douche client - who happens to be the representative for the biggest company our agency has - calls to discuss some pieces.

We had sent him two versions already and he was pissed.

"IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP SENDING ME PIECES I HATE. YOU OBVIOUSLY NEED MORE DESIGN DIRECTION. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU. I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR BOSS SO THAT IT WILL ACTUALLY GET DONE."

Yeah...

You do that....

Go tell my boss who is so absorbed with event planning and getting new clients to even recognize that we have major issues with current clients.

Like she's going to take the time out of her day to babysit you.

So Tweedle-Dee finally gives some design direction and... voila, the piece is perfect.

It's amazing how when clients ask for what they want, they get what they want.

My client has yet to learn this, and has assigned us a 104 piece art brief with.... no design direction or copy!

And all of it is due in the next two weeks!

So after three weeks of having the client from hell under my wings, I maybe, sort of, kind of had a total breakdown.

In front of my boss.

We were on a conference call with Sir Dick and he pointed out that on one of the pieces we designed we used the wrong photos.

"Really? Your team can do better than that. I'm disappointed."

The instant the phone call was over, Boss Lady immediately turned at me with flames in her eyes.

"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?! THERE IS NO REASON THAT THIS SHOULD EVER HAPPEN."

Boss Lady's assistant, and the former Account Executive for the client, piped up. Trying to explain that it was just a mock-up of what we would be doing with the other pieces to illustrate what they would look like with pictures.

Boss Lady cuts in.

"NO!"

"NO!"

"[etre svelte], YOU'RE THE ONE WORKING ON THIS ACCOUNT NOW. WHY DID THIS GET SENT THROUGH? WHY WERE THOSE PICTURES USED?"

...........


...........


Well... uhh.... I know..... I know that the designer was doing it as a mock up.... and I think he was just afraid that his initial piece would be rejected because.... because it was so minimalistic.... so I think he just wanted to include something to show that there would be pictures in the rest of the campaign......

Commence completely embarrassing emotional breakdown in front of Boss Lady and her assistant.

It. Was. Awful.

I spent the entire rest of the day on edge.

Literally just sitting in my cubicle, trying to type up emails to clients and just stopping and crying.

Walking outside to have a cigarette to calm my nerves and just crying.

Microwaving my Lean Cuisine in the break room and turning my head so that no one walking in to get a cup of coffee would see the baby tears running down my face.

The rest of the day, Boss Lady's assistant kept reassuring me. Asking me if I should just go home for the rest of the day.

I hate that.

Pity.

So I'm stressed out about work and that just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm not a nutcase.

I can finish a day at work.

It was just some uncomfortable crying in front of co-workers.

And it left me feeling like I was going to have a panic attack all day...

Y'know...

No big deal.

I ended up getting anxious on Sunday, dreading going back to work after the Friday Cry-day fiasco.

Popped some Klonopin to soothe my nerves.

Started crying.

Popped some more Klonopin to soothe my nerves.

Started crying.

Just one more oughta do it....

Yep... Too far.

I barely remember yesterday.

Apparently I went to the gym, not that I have any real recollections of when, or what I did, or how many calories I burned.

I woke up this morning a groggy beast of beastiness.

Went to work and slummed through the day.

Taking breaks to rest my head on my desk and question why the fuck I do what I do.

Hopefully I'll get over this soon.

I'm so embarrassed, I can barely look at Lady Boss any more.

I feel like a fragile little fucksack.

For once in my life, I'd like to feel emotionally stable.

Just. once.

A bientôt, lovelies.

- parisienne.love